From the mind of Light
by Zadkiel Cary
Summary: A three shot of Light's thoughts on L's death. It's depressing, I warn you now. But it does get better.
1. The Before

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.

Wow… this story is really depressing. I was unsure weather or not I wanted to publish it, but I think it's best that I do. This is a three shot, just so you know, so don't think this is the end because it's not. I still have two chapters up my sleeve.

I will miss you, when you are gone; when you go away; when you are sent away; when you die; when I kill you.

I always thought that it would be the best way to make everything work out the way I wanted it to, but now… I will miss you.

I will miss the challenge I get from you when we talk; when we fight; when we are together.

I will miss your presence; always there; always watching; always next to me.

I will miss the way you sit; your knees below your chin; your toes the only things touching the chair; your arms all that connects you to the world around it.

I will miss the way you look; your wild ebony hair; your plain white t-shirt; your worn out jeans; no shoes; no socks.

I will miss your face; your pale skin; your thin lips; the bags under your eyes; your big round black eyes that must once have belonged to a wise old owl.

I will miss your addiction to sweet things; strawberry short cake; cookies; ice cream.

I will miss the way our minds are in constant sync; sharing knowledge; sharing ideas; sharing actions.

I will miss you, when you are gone; when you go away; when you are sent away; when you die; when I kill you.

I do not know how I did, but I did. I have become attached to you.

I will truly miss you when you are gone.

I find myself faced with a dilemma.

I will miss you… I will miss you. I will miss you. I will miss you. I will miss you.

_I will miss you._

What is more, you are not even gone yet.

I now find myself not wanting you to be gone; not wanting you to go away; not wanting you to be sent away; not wanting you to die; not wanting to kill you.

I do not want to kill you, L.

I don't.

Not because I pity you; not because I want to keep playing this game.

But because you are my friend; because I like you; because I may even love you.

But can you really blame me for that?

You are so many things; to me; to _Light_; maybe not to Kira; but to me.

You are the world's three greatest detectives.

You understand me on a level no one else can.

There is no one else on this earth like you; no one else on this earth that I love more than you.

I do not want to love anyone else; ever; for the rest of eternity.

I could not even if I tried.

I will miss you, when you are gone; when you go away; when you are sent away; when you die; when I kill you.

I do not want to kill you, L; I will never _want_ to kill you.

But do I even have a choice anymore?

No.

No I do not.

Not because I do not want it, but because they have already decided.

But I want it, God, do I want it.

I want the choice, L.

But I do not have it… I do not have it.

Here is where we part, L.

I do not want to leave you; I do not want you to leave me.

But it is not my choice to choose where and when we part.

And it breaks me to say this; breaks me; me and my heart.

So I guess this is goodbye then; goodbye, then… what?

What comes after goodbye, L?

What comes after goodbye?


	2. The After

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.

I think this chapter is just a bit more depressing than the last one. In any case, this is not the end; there is still one last chapter to write.

I miss you now that you are gone; now that you have gone away; now that you have been sent away; now that you are dead; now that I have killed you.

I thought my plans would work better without you here… and I was right.

I thought I would miss you… and I was right.

I thought it would hurt… but I was wrong.

This… what I feel when I think of you now… it is more than pain.

This feeling, this more than pain… it is tearing me apart.

Sure, I look fine; I still smile; I still laugh; I still work; I still play.

But if you were here… you would know that I was not fine; not anywhere close to it.

You would know that I am torn; that I am tearing myself apart from the inside.

Then again… if you were here… I would not be torn; not be tearing myself.

If you were here; if you had stayed… I would not have started tearing.

But you could not stay.

I had to make you leave for them; for those who want this new world.

I wanted this new world; but I wanted you too… now it is too late.

I miss you now that you are gone; now that you have gone away; now that you have been sent away; now that you are dead; now that I have killed you.

I look back on the day you died; the day I killed you, and my heart burns.

It burns with love; with anger; with pain; with sadness; with regret.

I remember how you looked at me with your eyes full; full of fear; full of epiphany.

I remember how I looked at you; how I smirked; how Kira smiled as your life slipped away.

But I did not smile; Light did not smile.

And the moment I realized what had happened; what I had done; what Kira had made me do… my heart began to burn.

I called out to you; shouted at your corpse to wake up; to say something; anything; anything so you would be there; so you would be back with me.

But you did not answer; would not answer; could not answer.

Because I was too late; too late to save you; too late to stop Kira.

Now I will never see you again.

I look back on the day you died; the day I killed you, and I cry.

I cry when I remember you; when I am alone; when there is no one to see.

I miss you now that you are gone; now that you have gone away; now that you have been sent away; now that you are dead; now that I have killed you

My heart is burning now; burning with love; burning with regret.

Love that I could never give you; _can_ never give to you.

Regret I could never show you; _can_ never show to you.

And I am crying now; crying for you.

I cry from pain, because it hurts me that I hurt you.

I cry from a broken heart, because I gave half to you and you took it.

I cry from regret, because I killed you and you can never come back.

I cry from misery, because you are dead and I am tearing myself for having been the one who did it.

I cry… because it is all my fault.

It has been four years since you died.

And it broke me to say goodbye then; me and my heart.

But I did; I said goodbye, and now I cannot take it back.

Now I am torn; torn in half; torn beyond repair.

So, I guess this is what comes after goodbye, L.

This is what I've become after goodbye.


	3. The End

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.

Alright everybody, last chapter. I really hope this is less depressing than the last two chapters, like, kind of ending on a happy note, I guess. Anyway, I hope you enjoy, Reviews are welcome, so if you have any questions, comments, concerns, etc. feel free to drop one off when you're done. Enjoy Chapter 3 of FTMOL.

When I said I loved you I meant it. When I said I would miss you I meant it. When I said I did not want to kill you I meant it. And I do, so I have, but I did.

It has been six years, all long; all alone; all pain.

But now it is almost over; almost done; almost the end.

I can see you now; right in front of me; same as you were; as if you had never died.

I want to tell you what happened; what I learned; what I did.

To tell you how I was; how I feel; that I love you.

I want to ask what happened to you; what you learned; what you did.

To ask you how you were; how you feel; if you love me back.

But I cannot form the words; cannot find the words; lost the words; do not have them.

When I said I loved you I meant it. When I said I would miss you I meant it. When I said I did not want to kill you I meant it. And I do, so I have, but I did.

It hurts now; physically hurts; mentally hurts; emotionally hurts.

I was shot, but the wounds are not going to heal; cannot heal; are not meant to heal.

I said my goodbyes to you long ago. But now you are back and it bewilders me to see you again.

I thought I lost you; lost you forever and would never see you again.

But here you are; there you stand. Glorious as you were alive.

And here I lay, on a death bed of hardened concrete; on the bottom of steps that lead neither up nor down. Dying.

I feel that now, we are equals.

Not Kira or L. Not Light or Lawliet. Not good or evil. Not even two men.

We are just equal; the same; a proportion; just me and you.

When I said I loved you I meant it. When I said I would miss you I meant it. When I said I did not want to kill you I meant it. And I do, so I have, but I did.

The darkness is closing in around me; the world dimming.

But you do not dim; you do not disappear.

It makes me happier to know you are still there; that you are not leaving like everything else; that you will stay.

It makes me happy to know that you are the last thing I will see; the last thing I will know; the last thing I will remember.

I do not have much energy now. But I will use what I have to smile at you.

And the last thing I see is you smiling back.

This is what I am after goodbye; my last goodbye; my eternal goodbye.

And it makes me content to have given it to you.


End file.
